Fortunately it has been a long time since I have had to deal with the ending of a relationship. However letting go of my last relationship was very difficult. The relationship was full of happy memories and consisted of two people who really liked each other. However being a service member and moving quite often made it almost impossible to continue a relationship unless we committed to marriage. In today's society breakups in relationships are common. Various reasons are behind the ending of a relationship, and many people wonder the best way to deal with a breakup. These five strategies have worked for me and can work for you as well
Maintain communication with someone other then the person you are breaking up with. Often times talking to someone and expressing your negative emotional feelings through words can help you deal with them. Contrary to most peoples belief isolating yourself or wanting to "just be left alone" isn't mentally healthy. The negative emotions can continue to build making the situation actually worse.
Maintain Self esteem. Despite going through a hard time try to keep positive thoughts in mind. You still have a life, a future, and eventually will move on to other things. Take part in activities that make you happy such as athletics, going for a walk outdoors etc. Try to avoid drugs and alcohol during your recovery time because it is unhealthy and can only provide a temporary solution at best. Most importantly continue to feel good about yourself.
Make new friends and use the "one for one" rule. Since you are parting from the person you are in a relationship with attempt to build a new friendship or better a friendship you already have with someone. This does not mean find a "rebound", but find someone with similar interests and thoughts to share your time with. Maintaining a positive friendship will help you avoid feelings such as loneliness and regret after a breakup.
Understand and learn from what happened in the relationship. You can always take away positive things from a lost relationship. Evaluate the good things you did in the relationship. You most likely have learned what makes you happy and what doesn't. Keep this in mind for future relations and capitalize on your strengths.
Lastly let it go and move on. The breakup has happened and the relationship is over. Do not sit and wonder thoughts of "what if" or "maybe if" about your past relationship. Use your though process to better new relationships whether they are intimate or not.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Non Marital Relations
Most relationships whether causal or serious at some point or another develops a conflict. Despite what the topic of the conflict is there are a few basic steps that have worked for myself and others that can work for you if a conflict occurs in your relationship.
Maintaining your composure and being calm is always a good way to start dealing with your situation. Two calm people can communicate more effectively and determine a solution better then two aggressive angry people. Taking a few deep breaths, or stepping away for a moment for some time to yourself to gather your thoughts are useful ways calm your emotions.
Once you are calm and the verbal communication process begins. Insure you are clear of the message presented to you. Often time’s conflicts occur because of a basic misunderstanding leaving you saying things such as “ OOOOOH that’s what you meant” . If you have developed a good understanding of what is being said, at the conclusion of their statement say “so what your saying is….” and restate their message in your own words. It doesn’t matter if you agree with their way of thinking. Your focus should be to just clearly understand their portrayed message to you.
The next step in solving your conflict would be to provide positive and negative feedback to their message. If you have an issue with the way they feel or what they are doing, attempt to recommend a solution that would benefit both of you. A simple example is if you all cohabitate and they like to keep the temperature colder than your comfortable with don’t just scold them on how terribly freezing you are. Propose to set the thermostat to a different temperature that you can deal with, or ask them to keep you warm.
Finally when these steps are complete hopefully you have come up with a solution to your conflict. Regardless if you have or not you should always do what the Army calls an AAR. An AAR is also known as an After Action Review. You can state what went well, what didn’t, and what you should work on next time. Even if you do not come up with a solution to your conflict an AAR can allow both of you to understand the problem and allow you to individually deal with it better.
Maintaining your composure and being calm is always a good way to start dealing with your situation. Two calm people can communicate more effectively and determine a solution better then two aggressive angry people. Taking a few deep breaths, or stepping away for a moment for some time to yourself to gather your thoughts are useful ways calm your emotions.
Once you are calm and the verbal communication process begins. Insure you are clear of the message presented to you. Often time’s conflicts occur because of a basic misunderstanding leaving you saying things such as “ OOOOOH that’s what you meant” . If you have developed a good understanding of what is being said, at the conclusion of their statement say “so what your saying is….” and restate their message in your own words. It doesn’t matter if you agree with their way of thinking. Your focus should be to just clearly understand their portrayed message to you.
The next step in solving your conflict would be to provide positive and negative feedback to their message. If you have an issue with the way they feel or what they are doing, attempt to recommend a solution that would benefit both of you. A simple example is if you all cohabitate and they like to keep the temperature colder than your comfortable with don’t just scold them on how terribly freezing you are. Propose to set the thermostat to a different temperature that you can deal with, or ask them to keep you warm.
Finally when these steps are complete hopefully you have come up with a solution to your conflict. Regardless if you have or not you should always do what the Army calls an AAR. An AAR is also known as an After Action Review. You can state what went well, what didn’t, and what you should work on next time. Even if you do not come up with a solution to your conflict an AAR can allow both of you to understand the problem and allow you to individually deal with it better.
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