Non Marital Relations

Most relationships whether causal or serious at some point or another develops a conflict. Despite what the topic of the conflict is there are a few basic steps that have worked for myself and others that can work for you if a conflict occurs in your relationship.




Maintaining your composure and being calm is always a good way to start dealing with your situation. Two calm people can communicate more effectively and determine a solution better then two aggressive angry people. Taking a few deep breaths, or stepping away for a moment for some time to yourself to gather your thoughts are useful ways calm your emotions.



Once you are calm and the verbal communication process begins. Insure you are clear of the message presented to you. Often time’s conflicts occur because of a basic misunderstanding leaving you saying things such as “ OOOOOH that’s what you meant” . If you have developed a good understanding of what is being said, at the conclusion of their statement say “so what your saying is….” and restate their message in your own words. It doesn’t matter if you agree with their way of thinking. Your focus should be to just clearly understand their portrayed message to you.



The next step in solving your conflict would be to provide positive and negative feedback to their message. If you have an issue with the way they feel or what they are doing, attempt to recommend a solution that would benefit both of you. A simple example is if you all cohabitate and they like to keep the temperature colder than your comfortable with don’t just scold them on how terribly freezing you are. Propose to set the thermostat to a different temperature that you can deal with, or ask them to keep you warm.



Finally when these steps are complete hopefully you have come up with a solution to your conflict. Regardless if you have or not you should always do what the Army calls an AAR. An AAR is also known as an After Action Review. You can state what went well, what didn’t, and what you should work on next time. Even if you do not come up with a solution to your conflict an AAR can allow both of you to understand the problem and allow you to individually deal with it better.